Merry Christmas and Happy New Year Bitches as Collins would say. With the new year comes a new journal as I am expanding Collins to maybe a few other communities. So you may all delete this journal from you f-list and add my new and improved one http://illbeyourtenant.livejournal.com if you'd like to keep me on your f-list that is. Hope everyones holidays were good ones and you got what you wanted.

What is your worst quality as a significant other?


As much as people may think I don't, yes I do have some bad qualities. The worse one i have as a significant other is that I worry too much about how everyone else is doing. I worry if Angel is alright or if she's sick, if she needs taken care of. I worry about Tobias and Juliette and keeping them safe, keeping them healthy. I'm always watching over them, keeping an eye on them because I love them. I know it doesn't sound bad but there is some bad to it. Curious as to what it is? I'm always taking care of everyone else, making sure they are healthy, that I forget to take care of myself. I forget to worry about my health. There are times when I nearly forget a dose of my AZT and Angel has to remind me to take it, because I've spent the day keeping everyone else looked after. Trust me my baby has pointed it out to me, numerous times. I guess it's my nature to care for everyone else, like I'm the protector. I forget that sometimes even I need to be protected, looked after, taken care of, and kept healthy.


It's a bad quality, especially for me being someone living with AIDS, I know I should take better care of myself, but I'm always wanting to take care of everyone else. I'm working on it, and I'm sure Angel will be helping me work on it.


Tom Collins
Rent
245 words

Sunrise

The most beautiful sunrise I have ever seen was the very first one I shared with Angel. It just seemed with her around everything was brighter, more vibrant and alive. Everything was peaceful and I felt safe there with her, and it made me realize that I didn't want to leave her side. The orangish reds played over her skin making her seem like she was on fire and I remember just wanting to reach out and touch her. To pull her close and kiss those beautiful lips of hers. We sat just talking and watching as the sun rose on another day, another day we got to live and be with those we care about.

See for me every sunrise is magical because I never know when I'll see my last one. So every morning I get to watch the sun come up I know I'm blessed to live another day. That it's one more day i get to watch Tobias and Juliette grow, and another I get to hold Angel close and tell her how much she means to me. That I get to tell my friends I'm lucky to have them. Each sunrise is another day the virus hasn't beaten me yet so I cherish each one.

Tom Collins
RENT
206 words

The moral of the story is...

Let's go back to when I was seven years old shall we?

I was a goofy kid I can fully admit that, and to be completely honest I'm still a bit goofy just the kind of guy I am, I have a sense of humor. When I was a little boy I was a bit of a daredevil, I took any dare that was given to me with no hesitation or thought of what the consequences were. Case in point a friend of mine thought it would be funny, okay I thought it too, to see exactly how many jawbreakers I could put in my mouth at one time. Seemed like a harmless little dare and so I did it. I was able to fit twenty in my mouth, and one down my throat. I had accidentally swallowed one and freaked out my uncle Tobias whom I was staying with for the summer. I had to be rushed to the hospital and they had to extract it from my throat.

I went down in history in my neighborhood as no one ever tried beating my record, think still to this day I still have the title, but I almost died getting there.

Moral of the story? Be careful what you put in your mouth and don't try taking in more then you can handle. Hey it's a lesson for life so listen to it and live it.


Tom Collins
RENT
241 words

What do your ancestors mean to you?


My ancestors mean a great deal to me as they pioneered where my family ended up and what they are. Starting with my grandmother with way too many greats attached right now to count who lived her lives as a slave. Stuck under the control of a cruel man who used to beat her for no reason other then his own sick amusement. Not caring if it hurt her to walk or if she screamed for him to stop when he'd rape her daily. Then there was her husband a free black man who traveled through and met her, falling in love with her when he was told he shouldn't even look. He tried to buy her but her Master refused until the day both took matters into their own hands and not giving a fuck about the risks, ran away together.

Running through the underground railroad, running for their lives, their happiness, and her freedom. All she wanted was to love him and be happy. It was something of a commodity back then, and even after he got her somewhere safe they lived in fear looking over their shoulders. Relief didn't come until they were older and slavery was abolished.

But they did pass one thing along that shaped what my family became. They passed on their strength and their wisdom. Passing on from parent to children all the way down to me, one simple phrase.

"Never let anyone rule your life, be your own person. If you feel someone has more control over you then you do, get away from them"


It's an easy thing to remember and one of the reasons I left New York University. It's something I will pass down to Tobias and Juliette. My ancestors mean a lot because if they didn't suffer I might not be the man I am today. If they never existed, neither would I.


Tom Collins
RENT
321 Words.

What keeps you up at night?

Fear. Fear keeps me up some nights. Fear that if I fall asleep I won't be able to wake up the next morning. Fear that the next day could be my last. It's not the best way of thinking and it happens rarely anymore but it does still happen.

Though most of the time what keeps me up at night is just watching Angel sleep. Watching the way she snuggles against me, how her head buries into my chest, the soft rise and fall of her chest as she breathes slowly. The way that she'll cling tighter to me every so often as if making sure I was real and that I was still there. Sometimes I'll get out of bed and go watch our son and daughter sleep just to check on them, I'm never gone for too long to wake Angel. I learned once that when gone too long and Angel wakes up she will come looking for me.

Though I do sleep most nights safe and in the arms of Angel, the best place to be. The place I feel the safest and happiest.


Tom Collins
RENT
192 words

Write about a memory of summer.


My favorite summer memory is simple to remember. It was my first summer with Angel. We spent every day together with being a professor best thing was I got the entire summer off as well. We went to the movies, we went out to eat at the life. It was perfect and I loved every moment of it. Was the first summer in a long time that I can remember being happy and not letting anything worry me. I remember going with her everyday when she'd go out drumming and just watching her get lost in her playing. It was like everything disappeared and it was just her and the pickle tub. I'll never forget the passion for playing I saw every time she did it or the smile on her beautiful face as she let herself surrender to the beat. She is so beautiful when she plays and I love watching her as she does.

Though my favorite memory of that first summer together was just laying in bed and feeling her against me and in my arms. The feel of her breath against my skin or her lips as she kissed me. It was the best feeling in the world to know that someone as amazing as Angel loved me, and to this day it's still the best feeling I have ever felt.


Tom Collins
RENT
228 words

Hidden.

Hidden away is how I figured my life would turn out when I found out I was infected. It's all I thought about. Why I came back to New York I don't know. something tugged at me inside to go back home. Maybe in my mind part of me was going back to say goodbye to my friends before I went away. That was my plan but plans can be changed. As mine was the night I was mugged.

Some think I should keep my love hidden as well but that's something I cannot do. I love Angel way too much to hide how I feel for her in a world that doesn't want to accept our love. In my eyes I don't see why I should bother, it's not the world that matters it's Angel, it's us that matters.


Too many people hide away what they really feel or hide who they really are to fit in with the world. They don't want to be looked down upon or ignored. The people who can be themselves without care of how the world sees them I have the highest regard for. People like Angel and Diamond who despite adversity they might face, stay true to who they are, those are the people I respect the most.


No one should have to be hidden away, shouldn't have to hide.


Tom Collins
Rent
238 words

Tell the truth about something you usually lie about.

Well this is a dangerous topic, but here we go.

I'm not always honest in my answer when I'm asked how I am feeling. I don't know why it is, might have something to do with the fact I don't want everyone worrying about me. they have enough in life to worry about and I don't want to add to it. I guess it's easy to say 'I'm doing good' when I hear 'How have you been feeling Collins' though I know at times some can see through my words. Like Angel, I always know she can. It's a bad habit I know and I shouldn't do it. Especially when I tell Chase he should be honest with us when he isn't feeling well.

So many doctor visits, at times i just want to avoid the stress of having to pay for another one. It's something I am working on. Though if I was really bad, I'd try to be honest about it. I do try. I just hate seeing Angel worried.


Tom Collins
Rent
184 words

5 Good Quirks
1. I'm loyal to my friends and family
2. I'd die to keep them safe
3. I love Angel with all my heart and soul
4. I love my children and would do anything to keep them safe
5. I'm always there for a friend if it's needed

5 Bad Quirks
1. I don't always take as good of care of myself as i should
2. I tend to have low esteem, it's a habit.
3. Uh. I used to smoke up a lot, but am either cutting down or quitting
4. I still fear losing everyone I care about
5. I'm not fully open about Drew, not yet. One of these days I'll have to tell Angel everything.

5 Food Quirks
1. I can cook
2. I am a vegetarian
3. I love to cook for Angel
4. I make Tobias and Juliette's baby food myself, least I know what goes into it
5. I love sweets

5 Sleep Quirks
1. I can't sleep without my Angel
2. I tend to wear nothing to bed, but it depends on if Tobias and Juliette are in the bed.
3. I am a cronic snuggler, and I love the feel of Angel's skin against mine
4. I don't sleep that well sometimes
5. I always wait until Angel is asleep first before I sleep, or I try anyway. I like how she looks asleep. So peaceful and beautiful